Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
