strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
how does that bad decision feel?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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