Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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