I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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