Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
