Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize