Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
