I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
