When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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