Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
