He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
the condom got lost in my hair
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
