for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
