I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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