The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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