90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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