I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
