it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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