dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
We talked him into tasing himself.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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