Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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