it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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