The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
