drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
This is my gift to your gina
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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