I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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