I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
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