Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
