god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I wish I could punch you in the face.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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