I think I won the penis lottery.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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