It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
