i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
you will always have a special place in my vag
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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