Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I am available for nakedness
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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