Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
