you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
