She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
