Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
