Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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