I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
