dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
