Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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