nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
