Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
