I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
