I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
