A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
