I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
