I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
