Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
