your room smells of hookers.
And success
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
