Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
