there's paper in my vomit.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize