My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
