My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
We just shotgunned beers for America
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
