I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
