apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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