btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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