Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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