so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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