I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
