i just sent this text using only my big toe
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
this will be a night to untag.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
